May 29

Today Arlene left during a conversation and when I asked if she was upset she didn't say anything.

We were taking about how we were going to get to Vipassana since the car is in the shop and she said the bus is only 24 dollars I think for both of us. I said, "Ya the car sucks gas also."

I was agreeing with her that the bus was a good idea and she took it as though I was criticizing her. I asked her if she was upset because I said the car guzzles gas and then she began telling me how I always interrupt her and criticize her. I told her it was a conversation and sometimes people interject in conversation and it keeps flowing back and forth.

Eventually both of us ended up being upset and she realized what she was doing. This was similar to the other day when she started finding reasons to be upset with me after talking something small and blowing it up and out of proportion.

I was not feeling back to myself yet and she is now out on a walk. She left me a note, but I'm not sure if she's going to come back drunk or buy alcohol and try to hide it again. I walked to the liquor store the other day to see if she was there and afterwards she admitted that she started walking that way to get booze but stopped.

I'm not going to chase after her any more. I have to focus on my own well being and support her the best I can when she is here.

Yesterday after she spent time with the kids, I found her crying under a tree. I was there with her and touched her back gently. Eventually, she got up and just started walking and never looked back. I followed her to the washroom and she didn't speak to me and when she came out she just went and continued waking without looking at me or looking back. I got angry for a moment inside and was going to just stay at the park, but then I thought she might go drink or hurt herself so I followed her at a distance until she got home.

She started writing things she was grateful for and then meditate. Good choices.

Today she did not meditate and she was unbalanced.