May 24 822am

Arlene is back in detox. I took her last night. The kids had to go back to Michael's. I caught her hiding beer in Krishna's bedroom closet (Krishna found it and said, look it's Mommy's beer), confronted her about it gently, she lied about it (eventually she said it was from yesterday and she had drank 1 other time since she was at detox), I gave her another opportunity to tell the truth and she admitted it was from yesterday and she has been drinking every single day.

I did not get upset with her, I did not yell at her, she needs help. She said she was waking up every day so she could go smoke pot downstairs and has been drinking alcohol (beer and vodka and I'm not sure what else) every day.

She has been somewhat more stable without the kids being here, but there have also been a number of big upsets here for her where she has flipped out and yelled.

She tried to cut her wrist in the hospital (says she was not trying to kill herself only hurt herself so the pain would go away).

Last night after she finally admitted she has been lying to me and sneaking around (she just told me the night before after a big upset that she hasn't been drinking) I said, "well I think you know what you need to do." She said she would go to detox, she called Michael to pick up the kids and after they left (bawling and devastated that they had to leave Mommy's) she started getting manic again. She slammed her hand quite hard against the wall with the intention to hurt herself. Eventually I had to urge her to get ready because the bed wouldn't be available at detox if we didn't go immediately. She then started to get upset with me and I gently kept nudging her. When we finally got upstairs, she went to the bathroom and I heard a pill bottle. I went in and she got angry for walking into the bathroom while she was going pee. I told her I heard pills and I wanted to make sure she wasn't hurting herself.

When she got out of the bathroom, she went to the bottle of gaba (supplement for anxiety) and poured about 10 of them in her hand. She was going to take more. I grabbed her wrist and told her to let them go. She started to get even more escalated, like the night I had to call 911 on her and I told her if we weren't out the door to detox in 5 minutes I was calling the coast mental health emergency line and a mental health worker and police officer would be coming out. This was her idea to go to detox, I only said I think she knows what to do. She told Michael she was going as well.

The day before yesterday, the kids were over and she passed out (she was drunk) in Jasper's bedroom leaving him unattended and then passed out again on the couch. I woke her up and told her it wasn't time to sleep because the kids were here visiting and they hadn't been here. She got up and then passed out again.

I'm not planning on leaving but she is highly unpredictable so I can't say for sure what will happen.

She hasn't done anything since she got home from the hospital (aside from an initial intake with a psychologist) after hitting Athena. The first psychologist confirmed she has Borderline Personality Disorder and the 2nd one said she has PTSD. After hearing this from the 2nd psychologist she dismissed the possibility of Borderline and would get very angry if I suggested she consider the possibility that this diagnosis is correct so she could get the help she needs.

I have avoided talking to her about these things and have hoped she would get help because I don't want conflict.

I am hopeful she will get the help she needs and stay in detox, but this has now been going on for some time and her mental habit is to go into self defeat mode instead of determination and action to heal herself.

I am hopeful she will make it to Vipassana so she can gain some insight and concentration so that she can start to develop the skills and discpline required to beat this and become balanced and addiction/substance abuse free.