May 23 1136am

Yesterday the kids came to visit from 330 after school until 8pm.

I went downstairs to practice qigong and when I came up she was passed out on the floor in Jasper's room while he was playing unattended. Jasper is 3.

After, she fell asleep on the couch by herself while the kids were still here. I woke her up and said it wasn't time to sleep because the kids were here and it was visiting time. She woke up.

The girls went for a bike ride and she put on a show for the boys and fell asleep again. I will her up again and told her that she would probably be upset if she slept the whole time the kids were here to visit.

Later, after they left she was upset curled up on the couch. I tried to talk with her and she was reactive. I said there were some things I needed to talk with her about and she wouldn't hear anything. She said every time she is stressed she loses everything. I told her that is not true and the reason the kids aren't here is because of a huge event which ended up in her hitting Athena and then fainting constantly and going to the hospital, not a small or medium stress. She was not receptive and so I said I do need to talk with her but I didn't think she was in a receptive state and so we could talk later or tomorrow. She kept saying things like, "oh because it's not good for you now" and "it's okay to talk whenever you want to talk". She was angry and escalated so I told her I was going to do some transcribing for my qigong and we could talk later.

She came out and that is when she said that comment about stress causing her to lose everything and then freaked out and started grabbing her things to leave (coat and stuff). I said, what are you going to do, run away? She was going downstairs to smoke pot. She left and I followed her downstairs. She was angry because I knew what she was down there to do.

She came out and sat on the chair. I talked her down by directing her to become aware of her thoughts instead of imprisoned by them and that she could be aware that unpleasant feelings and anger were present. I guided her to feel for any tension in her body and invite it to relax. She said she felt tension in her head, eyes, back and stomach. I guided her through relaxing this tension. She came back.

I talked with her about how her demeanor changes and her eyes get wild and glossy, her speech slurrs and she starts to act careless and do dangerous things. I talked with her about the idea of not having the kids over tomorrow (today now) so she could go talk with a counsellor because she hasn't done anything to heal or talk with anyone on her own since the hospital in over a week and a half and she is having of difficulty handling the stress of having the kids here. 

She talked about not knowing what she wants to do with her life and ideas about selling the house/studio. She alluded to and mentioned in the past about doing something radical band moving somewhere. She had talked about moving to another country like Israel.

I don't believe she is considering the stability the kids need. Her idea before was that she would go woofing or sell the house and move all of us, including Michael, to another country. These ideas are not considerate of what I want or think and she doesn't even ask me. She doesn't consider whether Michael (kid's dad) would be amenable or whether the kids would. I believe these ideas are another form of not facing what is here in the present and escaping not only her emotions, but the situation she has gotten herself into by going on vacation and wasting another thousand dollars by missing her flight after being drunk and being behind several years in taxes.

I'm not sure if the kids are coming over today. As of last night, they are supposed to sleep over, but I don't think she is ready for it. I'm considering texting Michael and telling him I don't think she's ready to have hem over, but I don't think I will. I think I will help her get through the night and encourage her to go to counselling tomorrow.